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21.3.16

it still amazes me.

the lack of sleep I've been feeling lately. Back in the old days it was the part of the day I enjoyed the most because I could dream, I could let the imagination fly to different worlds. Nowadays it has a whole new meaning like if I sleep my head will stop being "entertained" and will think about all these bad things that I feel inside of me, and I know I'm not prepared to deal with all those scary emotions. Just by acknowledging this, I can already feel the tears stream down my face. I just saw the film "pretty woman" for the first time, I don't really know why I've never seen it before because I completely adore Julia Roberts, but anyway, I finished it and of course it has a happy ending, I smiled the entire time, but now I'm writing this and I just feel like shit, honestly. I don't even know why I'm not writing in Portuguese, but then again, the least thing I want is to feel this sad, and perhaps writing this in a different language will create distance between words and reality. Or I'm just fooling myself into it. 
There are no happy endings, the end is the worst and saddest part. And now it comes the deepest cause of my unhappiness. My grandma was diagnosed with accelerated dementia. One of my favorite people is losing everything, both physical and mentally capacities. She remembers stuff from the past, but doesn't recognize it as the past. She will probably forget me someday. The same way sometimes she talks about my grandpa like he's still alive, she might one day forget that I exist, that I'm her youngest granddaughter, the one she always cared so much for. And the truth is, she might not understand what's happening to her, but I am. She might forget me, but I'll never forget her. She might not suffer from this, but I am. It hurts me so much seeing her like her whole life was a lie, like the people she created and took care of and loved don't exist anymore in her mind. It hurts me to think that every day I make an effort to live a good life and be happy, when in the end it's just oblivion and pain and nothing was worth it.

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